Who do I Blame?

 CRASH! The bumper of your car is ripped out because of the driver in front of you (or to the left of you, you don’t really know since you’re incredibly disoriented). You get out of your car in a complete daze, trying to find the person to point your finger at. It wasn’t your fault, and you were getting late for that important meeting, so this crash is really going to cost you your time.

The other person’s license is now in your hand, you’re taking a photo for insurance purposes. A piece of your mind lies in that guy’s lap, scaring him, guilting him, and making sure he knows it was his mistake.

Now think about what happened again, except this time not through the lens of the seething anger you were facing (if that was actually you). You might have lost 10 minutes due to the crash for your meeting. Maybe 15. But now, after arguing for 30 mins, you just lost a lot more. that consequence is not being faced by the perpetrator. It’s you facing it. It’s you who has to explain to your boss why it feels like your dog ate the powerpoint presentation again.

Then the perpetrator, who has damaged his car as well by the way, now feels even worse. It might have been his fault, but the anger you let out on him did not magically float the bumper your car lost back in its place.

So what did you really get, by assigning blame? It’s a net negative. You wasted your time and someone who had already faced his own consequences is feeling extra guilty.

This is not me saying that accountability is not important or should be ignored, but there’s a difference between accountability and blame. Accountability is helping someone improve on their mistake. Blame is just taking your anger out.